The Life of Brian
--------[Beneath a starry sky and angelic music ride three men (wm1, wm2, and
(you guessed it) WM3) on camels. One particularly bright star comes
to rest over the village of Bethlehem. The Men ride through this
village in silence until they reach a lowly cow-shed, when they
dismount, and enter carrying gifts. Inside sits an oldish woman
(MC - abbreviated from Mrs. Cohen) beside a manger containing a
new-born child (Brian). Neither notice such a rude intrusion. The
men approach, still un-noticed until they are quite close to MC
where they stop.]
--------[WM1 - gold covers face. WM2 - white beard. WM3 - Short black beard]
WM1 Ahem
MC Waaah!
--------[MC falls off her seat in surprise]
Who are you?
WM1 We are 3 wise men
MC What?
WM2 We are 3 wise men
MC Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in
the morning. That doesn't sound very wise to me.
WM3 We are astrologers.
WM1 We have come from the east.
MC2 Is this some kind of joke?
WM1 We wish to praise the infant.
WM We must pay homage to him.
MC Homage? You're drunk. It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out. Bursting
in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on, out.
--------[The three look quite confused at this reception, but back away all
the same.]
WM1 Nono, we must see him.
MC Go and praise someone elses brat. Go on.
WM1 We, we were led by a star.
MC Lead by a bottle more like, go on out.
WM1 But we must see him, we have brought presents.
MC Out.
WM1 Gold, frankincence, mhyrr.
--------[MC of course beckons them in at the mention of these gifts. Well,
wouldn't you?]
MC Well why didn't you say, he's over there. Sorry the place is a bit
of a mess. Well, what is mhyrr anyway?
WM1 It is a valuable balm.
MC A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im.
WM1 What?
MC That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough.
WM1 No it isn't.
MC Yes it is, it's great big
--------[MC drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big ]
WM3 Nonono, it is an ointment
MC Awww. There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it?
So you're astrologers are you? Well what is he then?
WM2 Hmm?
MC What star sign is he?
WM2 Uhhh. Capricorn.
MC Uhhh. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WM2 He is the son of God, our messiah.
WM1 King of the jews
MC So that's capricorn, is it?
WM2 Nonono, that's just him.
MC Awww. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
WM1 By what name are you calling him?
MC Uh. Brian.
WMen We worship you, oh Brian who are lord over us all. Praise unto you
Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen.
MC You do a lot of this then?
WM2 What?
MC This praising.
WM2 No no, no no.
MC Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanx a lot
for the gold, and frankincence, but don't worry too much about the
mhyrr next time all right, huh? Thank you. Good bye. Well, weren't
they nice, hmm.
Out of their bloody minds, still...
--------[The wise men ventuer outside, and stop suddenly at the doorway. They
then return to MC, an dproceed to take back their presents, as she
talks to Brian. WM3 pushes her back over as he takes his gift]
Look at that, hoo hoo hoo. Here!
Here! Here, that... That's mine! He, hey, he! Aww.
--------[To the sound of angelic musiv, we see the wise men outside where
they can see another cow shed with a few people with strange bright
light coming from their heads. The scene changes back to MC in the
shed with her son.]
Brian Waaah.
MC Shaddup
--------[The feverish mind of Mr. Terry Gilliam takes over for the opening
credits which I'm not even going to attempt to describe]
Brian. The babe they call Brian
He grew. Grew grew and grew,
Grew up to be, grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian
He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes, his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was suddenly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they call Brian
This man called Brian!
--------[We can see a group of people walking up a hillside to where a figure
is standing on a mount oraculating]
Captions: JUDEA A.D.33
SATURDAY AFTERNOON
ABOUT TEA TIME
Jesus How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation.
How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth
for their possession.
How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail;
They shall be satisfied...
--------[The camera slowly pulls back until Jesus can hardly be heard. Here
we can see MC and Brian now 33 years old {she hasn't aged a bit,
lucky her}]
MC Speak up!
Brian Ssssh. Quiet mum.
MC Well I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning.
--------[We can now see a few group of people around the area... a man
(Bignose), and his wife (Bn Wife); A Jew, and his wife; and a man
I'm going to call 'Trouble' for reasons which shall soon become
clear.]
Bignose Sssh.
Brian You can go to the stoning any time.
MC Oh come on Brian.
Bignose Will you be quiet!
Bn wife Don't pick yer nose.
Bignose I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.
Bn wife You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady.
Bignose I wasn't.
Bn wife Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Trouble Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
Bn wife Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.
Trouble Well go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody
thing.
Bignose Don't you swear at my wife.
Trouble I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying,
Bignose.
Bnwife Don't you call my husband Bignose.
Trouble Well he has got a big nose.
Jew Could you be quite, please. [To trouble:] What was that?
Trouble I don't know... I was too busy talking to bignose.
Man I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'.
Jewwife Ah. What's so special about the cheese-makers?
Jew Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any
manufacturers of dairy products.
Trouble See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose.
Bignose Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.
Trouble Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the
bignoses.
Brian Oh lay off him.
Trouble Well you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from?
Nose city?
Bignose One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners.
Bn Wife Language... and don't pick your nose.
Bignose I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him.
Man2 Hear that? Blessed are the greek.
Jew The greek?
Man2 Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.
Jew Did anyone catch his name?
bn wife You're not going to thump anybody.
Bignose I'll thump him if he calls me bignose again.
Trouble Oh shut up Bignose.
Bignose Ah. Orright. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard...
--------[Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the
real story.]
Bnwife Oh it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice innit.
I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time.
Trouble Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose.
Bignose Hey. Your nose is gonna be three ft wide across your face by the time
I've finished with you.
Man Sssssh.
Trouble Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?
Bignose Oh. Right. That's your last warning
Jewwife Oh Do pipe down. [She abruptly get hit in the face by Bignose!!] OH!
--------[A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the
area]
MC Oh come on...let's go to the stoning.
Brian All right.
--------[Brian notices a group of people in balck walking by him, including a
rather attractive (to Brian) woman.]
Francis Well. Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the
status quo as far as I can tell, Reg.
Reg Yeah, well what Jesus blaitently fails to appreciate is it's the meek
who are the problem.
Judith Yes, yes. Absolutely Reg. Yes I see.
MC Oh come on Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.
Brian All right.
Trouble Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. They
shouldn't have been here. <...> going on. it's the chap with the big
nose's fault... he started it all.
--------[Brian and his mum walk along a path towards a shopkeeper (Shopkep)
selling stones. A woman carrying a donkey is passing him.]
MC Oh I hate wearing these beards.
Brian Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, mum?
MC It's written. That's why.
Shopkep Pssst. Beard madam? [looking at the woman with the donkey, opening
his cloak to reveal a number of fake beards]
Woman Oh look, I ain't got time to go to no stonings... he's not well
again.
Donkey Hee haw, hee haw.
Shopkep Stone, sir?
MC Nah. They've got them up there lying around on the ground.
Shopkep Not like this sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's
craftsmanship sir.
MC Hmmm. All right... We'll take two with points, and a big flat one.
Brian Can I have a flat one mum?
MC Ssssh.
Brian Sorry, dad.
MC Eh... All right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.
Shopkep Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.
MC Yeah?
Shopkep Local boy.
MC Oh. Good.
Shopkep Enjoy yourselves.
--------[As Brian and his mum come over the top of a hill, they see a large
number of people stoning some unfortunate. MC hurries Brian along to
get to the next victim in time. When he is, we see that he crowd
consists entirely of women wearing fake beards. An elder stands in
front of the next prisoner holding a scroll as he waits for the
crowd to settle down.]
Elder Mathias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
Mathias [to a guard] Do I say yes?
Guard Yes.
Mathias [To the elder] Yes.
Elder You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering
the name of our lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER...
Crowd Ooooh.
Elder ...you are to be stoned
to death.
--------[The crowd look anxious to kill Mathias]
Mathias Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That
piece of hallibut was good enough for Jehovah'.
Crowd Oooooooh!
Elder BLASPHEMY!!!! He said it again
Crowd Yes, yes.
Elder Did you hear him?
Crowd Yes, yes.
Woman1 Really.
--------[There is a moment of silence as the elder thinks, after hearing the
woman's voice.]
Elder Are there any women here today?
Crowd [Guiltily]
Elder Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...
--------[One of the more impatient women throws a stone and hits mathias on
the head.]
Mathias Oh lay off... we haven't started yet.
Elder Come on. Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
Crowd She did, she did, he, he, he, him, him, him, he did.
[Their voices drop as they realise their mistake.]
Woman1 Sorry, I thought we'd started. {Said lovelyly.}
Elder Go to the back. There's always one, isn't there. Now where were we?
Mathias Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphey, just saying Jehovah.
Crowd [Shocked] He said it again!
Edler You're only making it worse for yourself.
Mathias Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.
Crowd Ooooooh!
Elder I'm warning you... If you say Jehovah once more...
[A stone flys by and hits the elder.]
Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who threw that?
Crowd She did she did, he, him, him, him, him, him, him.
Elder Was it you?
Woman2 Yes.
Elder Right...
Woman2 Well you did say Jehovah.
[She gets stoned {the blasphemer}]
Elder Stop, stop. Will you stop that... stop it. Now look. No-one is to
stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Do you understand? Even, and
I want to make this absolutely clear; even if they do say Jehovah.
--------[The skocked women stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping
of a huge bolder on his fallen body.]
Woman3 Good shot.
--------[One of the two roman guards looks at the other, who shakes his head.
They do nothing.]
--------[As a large statue is being brought into Jerusalem, Brian and MC walk
home]
Brian Have I got a big nose, Mum?
MC Oh stop thinking about sex.
Brian I wasn't.
MC You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls
like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?
--------[A number of beggars sit by the side of the raod begging. All seem
sick apart from the one at the end. (The X-leper). They are pleading
for money from a man riding a donkey.]]
Beggar1 Spare a sheckle...
Beggar2 God bless you, sir.
Leper1 Alms for a leper.
Leper2 Alms for a leper.
X-leper Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same aren't they.
Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch.
--------[Brian and his mum walk along the street.]
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MC Buzz off.
X-leper [Still following] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MC A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.
X-leper Half a talent then.
MC Now go away.
X-leper Come on, bignose. Let's haggle.
Brian What?
X-leper All right. Cut the haggling . Say you open at one sheckle, I start
at two thousand, we close about eighteen hundred.
Brian No.
X-leper Seventeen-fifty?
MC Go away.
X-leper Seventeen-fourty.
MC Look. Will you leave him alone.
X-leper All right... two sheckles. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
MC Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off.
X-leper All right, sir. My final offer: Half a sheckle for an old ex-leper.
Brian Did you say EX-leper?
X-leper That's right, sir. 16 years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
Brian Well what happened?
X-leper Oh, cured sir.
Brian Cured?
X-leper Yes, a bloody miracle sir, God bless you.
Brian Well who cured you?
X-leper Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of
a sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade,
next minute my livlehood's gone, not so much as a buy your leave...
You're cured, mate. Bloody do-gooder.
Brian Well why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again.
X-leper Ah, I could do that, sir. Yeah, yeah. I could do that I suppose. What
I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit
lame in one leg during the middle of the week. Y'know, something
beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be blunt,
excuse my french sir, but...
MC Brian. Come and clean your room out.
Brian There you are.
X-leper Thank you, sir, thank... Half a dinari for me bloody life story?
Brian There's no pleasing some people.
X-leper That's just what Jesus said, sir.
--------[The ex-leper hops off, back to the road]
--------[Brian and MC enter their home to find a roman officer sitting down
inside]
MC Oh.
Officer Good afternoon.
MC Oh, eh. Hello, officer. Eh. I'll be with you in a few moments, all
right dear?
Brian What's he doing here?
MC Now don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.
Brian Bloody romans.
MC Look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and
don't you forget it.
Brian We don't owe the Romans anything, mum.
MC Ahw. That's not entirely true, is it Brian?
Brian What do you mean?
MC Well. You know you were asking me about your, uh...
Brian My nose?
MC Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.
Brian What is it?
MC Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Well,
Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
Brian I never thought he was...
MC Now none of your cheek. He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurian in
the Roman army.
Brian You mean... you were raped?
MC Aw, at first, yes.
Brian Who was he?
MC Naughtius Maximus his name was. Mmm. Promised me the known world he
did. I was to be taken to Rome, housed by the forum. Slaves, asses
milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me,
and VOOM. Like a rat out of an aquaduct.
Brian The bastard.
MC Yeah. So next time you go on about the bloody romans, don't forget
you're one of them.
Brian [In a fit of rage as he goes up to his room.]
I'm not a roman, mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a yid, a
heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher, mum. I'm a red sea pedestrian, and
proud of it.
MC Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, eh? Well, how are
you then, officer?
--------[She then kneels down as the officer stands.]
--------{Hmmmm. I wonder how she earns her living...}
Caption: THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM
CHILDREN'S MATINEE
Voice Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Big Goliath -
The Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Miser.
--------[A number of women are cleaning up the stadium. The first pulls away
a dead body, leaving the head behind. The next finds a ring on the
finger of a body, and since she can't take is off, she slips the arm
into her robes.]
Brian [Roving the stands, holding a tray of goodies{?!?}]
Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguar's earlobes.
Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely.
Dromedary prezels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats.
--------[Elsewhere on the stands, sit the terrorist organisation the PFJ. On
a higherstep sit (left to right) Stan, Reg, and Francis, while below
them sits Judith.]
Judith I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must
reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base.
Reg Agreed. Francis?
Francis Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the
movement never forgets that it is the inaliable right of every man...
Stan Or woman.
Francis ...or woman. To rid himself...
Stan Or herself.
Francis ...or herself.
Reg Agreed.
Francis Thank you brother.
Stan Or sister.
Francis ...or sister. Where was I?
Reg I think you'd finished.
Francis Oh, right.
Reg Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...
Stan Or woman.
Reg Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
Stan Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Francis Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan I want to be one.
Reg What?
Stan I want to be a woman... from now on I want you all to call me
Loretta.
--------[Unlike the cruel-hearted others, I'm going to comly with his
request.]
Reg What???
Loretta It's my right as a man.
Judith Well why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Loretta I want to have babies.
Reg You want to have babies?
Loretta It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg But you can't have babies.
Loretta Don't you oppress me.
Reg I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where's the
foetis going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
--------[Loretta starts crying.]
Judith Here. I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have
babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault... not even the
Roman's, but that he can have the right to have babies.
--------[This seems to satisfy him.]
Francis Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to
have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Reg What's the point?
Francis What?
Reg What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he
can't have babies?
Francis It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
--------[In the arena, Boris is thrown out of an entrance. He immediately
crawls back.]
Guard? Get out there. Get out there.
Boris It's um... It's dangerous ot there. Ahahh. Oh.
--------[He gets thrown back in again, and a portcullis slams down. He is
carryng a spear and a net, which he drops and starts running away
from his opponant, a professional gladiator who is weighed down by
an armoured arm. The crowd are disgusted by such a poor show.]
Crowd Aaah. Oh no.
Viewer What a load of rubbish.
Brian [He approaching the PFJ with his tray of food.]
Dog's tongues. Otter's noses. Occelot spleens.
Reg You got any nuts?
Brian Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger's
spleens.
Reg No, no, no.
Brian Otter's noses?
Reg I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.
Judith Why don't you sell proper food?
Brian Proper food?
Reg Yeah. Not those rich imperialist tit bits.
Brian Well don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
Reg All right. Bag of otter's noses then.
Francis Make it two.
Reg Two.
--------[Brian hands them two bags.]
Francis Thanks, Reg.
Brian Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg Fuck off.
Brian What?
Reg Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea. Judean
People's front, caw.
Francis Wankers.
Brian Can I join your group?
Reg No. Piss off.
Brian I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans
as much as anybody.
PFJ Sssh. Ssssh, sssh, sssh, ssssh
Judith Are you sure?
Brian Oh. Dead sure... I hate the Romans already.
Reg Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really
hate the Romans.
Brian I do.
Reg Oh yeah? How much?
Brian A lot!
Reg Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the
Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
PFJ Yeah
Judith Splitters.
Francis And the Judean Popular Peoples Front.
PFJ Oh yeah. Splitters.
Loretta And the peoples Front of Judea.
PFJ Splitters.
Reg What?
Loretta The Peoples front of Judea. Splitters.
Reg We're the Peoples front of Judea.
Loretta Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg Peoples Front.
Francis Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
Reg He's over there.
--------[A single old man sits on a lower seat.]
--------{Some POPULAR front, eh?}
PFJ [To the old man.] SPLITTER!
Goliath Oh. Ooh. Ooh. I think I'm about to have a cardiac
arrest.
--------[He falls dead.]
Roman Absolutely dreadful. Humph.
--------[Boris runs around triumphantly, then kneels and show the Romans what
he thinks of them.]
Crown Yay.
Reg Brother. Haha. What's your name?
Brian Brian. Brian Cohen.
Reg We may have a little job for you, Brian.
--------[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting
something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman
guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurian (Cntrian) who
reads his writing.]
Cntrian What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go
the house?
Brian It, it says 'Romans go home'.
Cntrian No it doesn't. What's latin for 'Roman'? Come on...
Brian aaah.
Cntrian Come on.
Brian Ah! Romanus?
Cntrian Goes like?
Brian Annus?
Cntrian Vocative plural of 'annus' is?
Brian Anni?
Cntrian Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.]
Eunt? What is eunt?
Brian Go.
Cntrian Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
Brian Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
Cntrian So eunt is?
Brian Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.
Cntrian But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the?
--------[The centurian lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?]
Brian The imperative.
Cntrian Which is?
Brian Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I.
Cntrian How many Romans?
Brian Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.
Cntrian Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.]
Domus? Nomonative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
Brian Dative, sir.
--------[The Centurian takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat.]
Ahh. No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh.
The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
Cntrian Except that 'domus' takes the?
Brian The locative, sir.
Cntrian Which is?
Brian Domum. Aaah! ah.
--------[Again, the writing is ammended.]
Cntrian Domum... um... Understand?
Brian Yes, sir.
Cntrian Now write it out a hundred times.
Brian Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser, sir.
Cntrian Hail Caeser. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls
off.
Brian Ooh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caeser and everything, sir.
Oh. Mmm!
--------[The Centurian walks off leaving two sentrys behind to guard him.]
--------[Dawn over Jerusalem. Brian ahs written the slogan all over the front
of the palace.]
Brian Finished!
--------[The Sentries pick up their shields and spears. One of them points
his spear threatiningly at Brian, and speaks.]
Sentry Right. Now don't do it again.
--------[The two walk off as Brian admires his handywork. Unfortunately,
another group of guards come along, and realise whah has been
written. Brian realises, and runs. They give chase, careless of the
citizens]
Man Hey! Bloody Romans.
--------[Just as Brian starts to dispair of his fleeing, a hand clasps over
his mouth, and drags him backwards nto an alcove. When he is released
he recognises his saviour through the darkness... Judith.]
--------[In the PFJ's official HQ, francis stands pointing at a plan of
Pilates palace with a wooden spoon, explaining a plan to the other
members (Rebel1 - Rebel6), and the leaders from the Colloseum.]
Francis We get in through the underground heating system here. Up through
into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is
here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our
custardy, and forthwith, issue our demends. Any questions?
--------{Spot the dancing catepillars}
Rebel1 What exactly are the demands?
Reg We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of
the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately,
we execute her.
Mathias Cut her head off?
Francis Cut all her bits off. Send them back on the hour every hour. Show
them we're not to be trifled with.
Reg And of course, we point out that they bear full responsability when
we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail.
--------[All members of the PFJ salute this bringing their right fists to
their foreheads.]
PFJ No Blackmail!!
Reg They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had.
And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our fathers'
fathers.
Loretta And from our fathers', fathers', fathers.
Reg Yeah.
Loretta And from our fathers', fathers', fathers', fathers.
Reg Yeah, all right, Stan. Don't label the point. And what have they ever
given us in return?
Rebel2 The aquaduct?
Reg What?
Rebel2 The aquaduct.
Reg Oh yeah, yeah. They did give us that. That's true, yeah.
Rebel3 And sanitation.
Loretta Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.
Reg Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aquaduct , the santation are two
things the Romans have done...
Mathias And the roads.
Reg Well, yeah. Obviously the roads, I mean the roads go without saying,
don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aquaduct, and the
roads...
Rebel4 Irrigation.
Rebel2 Medcine.
Rebel5 Education.
Reg Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough...
Rebel1 And the wine.
Rebels Oh, yeah
Francis Yeah. Yeah, That's something that we'd really miss, Reg, if the
Romans left, huh.
Rebel6 Public baths.
Loretta And it's safe to walk the in streets at night now Reg.
Francis Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only
ones who could in a place like this.
PFJ Huhuhuh. Huhuhuhuhuh.
Reg All right. But apart from the sanitation, the medecine, education,
wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and
public health... What have the Romans ever done for us?
Rebel2 Brought peace?
Reg Oh, peace. Shaddup.
--------[There is a knock on the door, and all member of the PFJ hide
wonderfully: Under the table, standing under a sheet, head down in
a shallow basket etc. Mathias sees that they have all hidden, and
ambles over to the door.]
Mathias I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent.
--------[He opens the door to reveal Judith and Brian.]
Judith It's all right, Mathias.
Mathias It's all clear.
--------[The two walk in, as the others emerge.]
Judith Well where's Reg?
Francis Oh Reg. Reg, Judith.
Reg What went wrong?
Judith The first blow has been struck.
Reg Did he finish the slogan?
Judith A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the
palace.
Reg Oh great. Great. We, we need doers in our movement, Brian. But before
you join us, know this: There is not one of us here who would gladly
suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Rebel Uh.. well one.
Reg Oh yeah, yeah. There's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with
us?
Brian Yes.
--------[Again the PFJ slaute, and Brian copies the movement.]
Reg From now on, you shall be called Brian that is called Brian. Tell him
about the raid on pilate's palace, Francis.
Francis Right. This is the plan...
--------[We see now the PFJ (officials) executing the operation as Francis
dictates the plan.]
Francis Now this is the palace in Caeser's square. Our commando unit will
approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to
the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers
on our way to a conferance. Reg: our glorious leader, and founder
of the PFJ will be co-ordinating consutant at the drain head, though
he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action as he has
a bad back.
--------[The PFJ enter the sewer, and Reg closes up after them.]
Brian Aren't you going to come with us?
Reg Solidarity, brother.
Brian Oh, yes. Solidarity Reg.
Francis Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman
feast later in the evening, so we must move fast... and don't wear
your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caeser Augustus
memorial sewer, and from there, proceed directly to the hypervault
This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those
weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chambers.
This is the moment for Havacuk to get out his prop.
Chisel
--------[A large hole is made in the mosaic on the floor above, from which
all the PFJ emerge.]
Hearts
--------[As the PFJ approach a corner crouching, another group of rebels...
the Campaign for a Free Galilee (CFG x) advance towards the other
side.]
CFG 1 Sssh.
CFG 2 Sssh.
--------[The two groups spot each other, and relax. After a few confused
moments, the leader (CFGHead) declares his group in a thick welsh
accent.]
CFGHead Campaign for Free Galilee.
PFJHead Oh. Uh. People's Front of Judea. Officials.
CFGHead Oh.
PFJHead What's your group doing here?
CFGHead We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.
PFJHead So are we.
CFGHead What?
PFJHead That's our plan.
CFGHead We were here first.
PFJHead What do you mean?
CFGHead We thougt of it first.
PFJ Man Oh yeah?
CFGHead Yes. A couple of years ago.
PFJ Oh, yeahehehe.
CFG Man He did!
PFJHead Okay, come on, come on. You got all your demands worked out?
CFGHead 'Course we have.
PFJHead What are they?
CFGHead Well I'm not telling you.
PFJ men yeah.
PFJHead Oh come on. Pull the other one.
CFGHead That's not the point. We thought of it before you.
Various Ssssh.
PFJHead Did not.
CFGHead We did.
PFJ You did not.
CFG We bloody did!
Various Sssssssh. Sssssssssssssh.
CFGHead You bastards, we've been planning this for months.
PFJHead Well tought titty for you, fish face. AAAAWW!
--------[A general fight breaks out between the two groups.]
Brian Brothers, brothers. We should be struggling together.
PFJHead We are!
Brian We musn't fight each other. Surely we should be united against the
common enemy.
All The Judean People's front!!!
Brian No. No. The Romans!
All Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.
Someone Yeah. He's right.
--------[Two Roman guards approach slowly.]
Other1 Look out!
CFGHead Right. Where were we?
PFJHead Uh. You were going to punch me.
CFGHead Oh yeah.
--------[The fight breaks out again. More Roman guards approach to find all
members of both groups except Brian basically kill each other.
They walk up to the surprised Brian, and all goes black...]
Brian Brothers!!! Oof!
--------[Brian wakes up to find himself being dragged by the feet to the
palace dungeons, bumping his head on the steps.]
Jailer [Throwing Brian into a cell]
He he he.
Brian Aah.
Jailer Heh heh he.
--------[A voice comes from the far side of the cell.]
Prisonr You lucky bastard.
Brian Who's that?
--------[As brian's eyes become accustomed to the dark, he sees a
white-haired old man chained up on the wall of the cell.]
Prisner You lucky lucky bastard.
Brian What?
Prisonr Proper little jailers pet, aren't we?
Brian What do you mean?
Prisonr You must have slipped him a few sheckles, eh?
Brian Slipped him a few sheckles? You saw him spit in my face.
Prisonr Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang
awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!
Prisonr Manacles?! Ooohaaawwww. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put
in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines
out of your arse, sonny.
Brian Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
Prisonr YOU'VE had a hard time? I've been here five years. They only hung me
up the right way up yesterday. So don't you come rou...
Brian All right, all right.
Prisonr They must think you're lord God almighty.
Brian What will they do to me?
Prisonr Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian Crucifixion??!!!!!
Prisonr Yeah. First offence.
Brian Get away with crucifixion? It's...
Prisonr Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
Brian WHAT?!!!
Prisonr Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right
bloody mess!
Brian Guard!
Prisonr Nail 'em up, I say!
Brian Guard!
Prisonr Nail some sense into them!
--------[The Jailer once again comes to the door.]
Jailer Hu. Hu. Whaddayawant?
Brian I want you to move me to another cell.
Jailer Ha!
Brian Aaaah.
Prisonr Oh. Look at that. Bloody favouritism.
Jailer Shaddup, you.
Prisonr Sorry.
Jailer [Walking away.]
Ugh.
Prisonr Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night,
they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again.
which I regard as very fair in view of what I done. And if nothing
else, it's taught me to respect the Romans. And it's taught me that
you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do
a fair days work for a fair day's...
Brian Oh, shut up!!!
Jailer Uuuuh.
Cntrian Pilate wants to see you.
Brian Me?
Cntrian Come on!
Brian Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
Cntrian I think he wants to know which night you want to be crucified.
Prisner Oh, Ha Ha Ha Ha, ha ha. Nice one centurian, like it, like it.
Cntrian Shut up.
Prisner Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.
--------[Pilate's main audience chamber. For some strange reason, there
are repairs being done to the mosaic on the floor, and apparently
the place is also being re-decorated. A Designer (Designr) stands
talking to Pilate, until the sound of marching feet are heard, and
in walks the Centurian, with Brian surrounded by two guards (guard3,
and guard4). Guards1 and 2 stand around the room, along with various
others.]
Designr with one large feeding area here.
Cntrian Hail Caesar.
Pilate Hail.
Cntrian Only one survivor, Sir.
Pilate Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
Cntrian What Sir?
Pilate Thwow him to the floor.
Cntrian Ah! [Signals Brian be thrown th the floor.]
Brian Aaah.
Pilate Huh. Now, what is your name, Jew?
Brian Brian, sir.
Pilate Bwian, eh?
Brian Nono. Brian. [The centurian whaps him across the head.]
Aaah.
Pilate Hoohoohoohoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
Cntrian Has what, sir?
Pilate Spiwit.
Cntrian Yes, he did, sir.
Pilate Nono, spiwit, uh. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do.
Cntrian Oh, Ah... About eleven, sir.
Pilate So. You dare to waid us.
Brian To what sir?
Pilate Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly.
--------[The Centurian stwikes him vewwy woughly.]
Brian Waah!
Cntrian Oh and uh, throw him to the floor, Sir?
Pilate What?
Cntrian Thwow him to the floor again, Sir?
Pilate Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor please.
--------[I won't even bother saying it...]
Brian Aaah!
Pilate Now, Jewith wapscallion.
Brian I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!
Pilate A Wowman?
Brian Nono, Roman. [] Aah!
Pilate So, your father was a Wowman. Who was he?
Brian He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison sir.
Pilate Weally? What was his name?
Brian Naughtius Maximus.
Cntrian Wohahahaha!
Pilate Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Cntrian Well no, sir.
Pilate Well you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked?
Cntrian Well no, sir um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like uh... Sillius
Soddus, or... Biggus Dickus sir.
Guard1
Pilate What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Cntrian Well it's a joke name, sir.
Pilate I have a vewwy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
Guard1
Pilate Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in
gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian Can I go now sir? [] Aaaagh!
Pilate Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
Guard1
Pilate Wight! Take him away.
Cntrian Oh sir, he uh....
Pilate No no. I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.
Cntrian Yes, sir. Come on you.
Guard1 Hahaha. Hoohoohoo.
Pilate I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy.
Anybody else feel like a little giggul. When I mention my fwend
Biggus ...Dickus.
Guard4 Huhuhu.
--------[He walks up to guard2, and speaks exadurately to his face.]
Pilate What about you? Do you find it wisable, when I say the name... Biggus
Guard2 Parp.
Pilate ... Dickus?
Guard3
--------[He then walks around to Guards 3 and 4 (The ones beside Brian).]
Pilate He has a wife you know. You know what she's called? She's called
Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks!
--------[The Guards just crack up laughing.]
Stop! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel
sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourself Pwaetonian guards?
You're not...
--------[Bwian, sorry Brian siezes his chance, and scarpers.]
Sieze him! Sieze him! Blow your noses and sieze him!
--------[Brian runs up a tower trying to escape the pursuing Guards. A
Builder sits at he top of it slowly hammering away in the sun. He
drops his hammer, and slowly walks down the stairs.]
{BTW, I'm positive that this is the person mention by the prophet
later (as in: In this time, a friend shall lose his friend's
hammer...)}
Builder Hmmm? Oh. .
[He passes Brian and the Guards running up in the opposite direction]
Sorry.
--------[Brian reaches the top of the tower, and notices too late that it
stops, so he doesn't.]
Brian Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
--------[It just happens { *:) } that a spaceship just happens to be passing
by at that time {Doesn't it always?}, and Brian just happens to fall
into the cockpit behind two aliens. {For all you Pratchett readers,
it must have been a million-to-one chance!}]
Alien1 Azzz.
Alien2 Rozak chabba.
--------[Suddenly, a siren goes off, indicating pursuit.]
ship starts shooting at them. Tray nice sound effects. Brian's Taxi
crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back to Earth.]
Siren Rroooooah. Rroooooah. Rroooooah.
Alien1 Aaaagh. Ghrote.
--------[A large cirgular ship comes from the sun, and starts shooting at
them. Tray nice sound effects. The ship crashes sidelong into an
asteroid, and heads bach for Earth. They get hit, and start to fall.
They crash at the base of the unfinnished tower and Brian walks away
uscathed. Well, wouldn't you?]
Witness Ooh, you lucky bastard.
--------[The Roman soldiers emerge from the tower, and spot Brian. He runs.
He come to a place where there are a number of profits standing on
pedestals, shouting their visions. First a (Dirty) profit, covered
in dried mud, wearing a loincloth.]
Dirty And the Bizan shall be huge, and black, and the eyes thereof RED with
the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon shall ride
forth on a grey headed serpant, and throughout the lands there shall
be a great rubbing of parts. Yeah.
--------{Don't you just love the pelvic thrusts?}
[Next comes a profit with a thick Northern Irish accent (a la Ian
Paisley), wearing robes, and holding a staff.]
N.Irish And the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two,
or five, or seven but NINE! Which he shall wield on all wretched
sinners, sinners just like you, sir there. And the horns shall be on
the head;
--------[Finally, we come to a profit I have seen called the 'Boring' profit,
but he seems much less vague than the rest of them, and taking into
account his knowlege of the lost hammer, I'm calling him the
Accurate profit (Acurate).]
Acurate ... Bediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours of
things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to
where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth
those little things wi-with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an
attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friends hammer,
and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by
their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night
before, about eight O'clock.
--------[As Brian walks through the crowd, an(other) profit speaks.]
other Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril, that in that time...
--------[Brian sees a troop of Romans, and quickly looks for a way of
disguising himself. He spots a Beard selling stand, and heads for it
There, he meet a Merchant (Merchnt), and picks up a fake beard.]
Brian How much? Quick!
Merchnt What?
Brian It's for the wife.
Merchnt Oh. Uh... Twenty shekels.
Brian Right.
Merchnt What?
Brian There you are.
Merchnt Wait a minute.
Brian What?
Merchnt Well, we're, we're supposed to haggle.
Brian No, no, I've got to get...
Merchnt What do you mean, no no no?
Brian I haven't time, I've got ...
Merchnt Well give it back then.
Brian No, no, no I paid you.
Merchnt Burt!
--------[A large man stands up behind Brian, blocking his way out.]
Burt Yeah?
Merchnt This bloke won't haggle.
Burt Won't haggle???
Brian All right... do we have to?
--------[Burt disappears.]
Merchnt Now look. I want twenty for that.
Brian I, I just gave you twenty.
Merchnt Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?
Brian No.
Merchnt Look at it. Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat.
Brian All right, I'll give you nineteen then.
Merchnt No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.
Brian What?
Merchnt Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.
Brian But you just said it was worth twenty.
Merchnt Oh dear, oh dear. Come on. Haggle.
Brian All right, I'll give you ten.
Merchnt That's more like it.
Ten!? Are you trying to insult me? Me? With a poor dying
grandmother...Ten!?!
Brian All right, I'll give you Eleven.
Merchnt Now you're getting it. Eleven!?! Did I hear you right? Eleven?
This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?
Brian Seventeen.
Merchnt No, no, no, no. Seventeen!
Brian Eighteen?
Merchnt No, no,. You go to fourteen now.
Brian All right, I'll give you fourteen.
Merchnt Fourteen, are you joking?
Brian That's what you told me to say.
Merchnt Oh dear.
Brian Oh Tell me what to say. Please.
Merchnt Offer me fourteen.
Brian I'll give you fourteen.
Merchnt He's offering me fourteen for this!
Brian Fifteen.
Merchnt Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me
dead.
Brian Sixteen.
Merchnt Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in
this as well.
[Hands Brian the Gourd.]
Brian I don't want it, but thanks.
Merchnt Burt!
Burt Yeah?
Brian All right, all right, all right.
Merchnt Where's the sixteen you owe me?
Brian I just gave you twenty.
Merchnt Oh yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you then.
Brian No, it's all right, that's fine, that's fine.
Merchnt No, I've got it here somewhere.
Brian It's all right, that's four for the gourd.
Merchnt Four for this gourd? Four!!!! Look at it, that's worth ten if it's
worth a shekel.
Brian But you just gave it to me for nothing.
Merchnt Yes, but it's worth ten.
Brian All right, all right.
Merchnt No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten, You're supposed to argue. Ten for
that, you must be mad!
[He notices Brian running.]
Merchnt Ah, well. . There's one born every minute.
--------[Meanwhile, back at the PFJ HQ, thy are reading a list of the
ex-rebels who went on the raid.]
Reg Daniel.
Loretta Daniel.
Rebel Job.
Reg Job.
Loretta Job.
Rebel Joshua.
Reg Joshua.
Loretta Joshua.
Rebel Judges.
Reg Judges.
Loretta Judges.
Rebel and Brian.
Reg and Brian.
Loretta Brian.
Reg I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in
the minutes as probationary martys to the cause.
Loretta I second that, Reg.
Reg Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
Siblings! Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this
is just the beginning. Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in
a...
Mathias Look out!
--------[Brian walks in still wearing his beard, and uncovers the others in
their hiding places.]
Brian Hello? Mathias? Reg.
Reg Go away!
Brian Hmm? Reg. It's me, Brian.
Reg Get off! Get off, out of it!
Brian Stan.
Loretta Piss off.
Rebel1 Yeah... piss off.
Rebel2 Bugger off.
--------[There is a loud knocking at the door.]
Reg Oh, shit!!!
Mathias Coming.
--------[Mathias signals Brian to hide out on the balcony. This he does, but
it moves ominously when he steps out onto it. Directly below him, he
can see the accurate prophet from two scenes ago.]
Acurate Yea verily at that time, it is written in the book of Issiah that a
man shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey.
Mathias [Walking to the door.] My eyes are dim, I cannot see.
--------[He opens the door to show a Roman legion led by our very own
Centurian.]
Cntrian Are you Mathias?
Mathias Yes.
Cntrian We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
a member of the terrorist organisation: the People's Front of Judea.
Mathias Me? No. I am just a poor old man, I've no time for law-breakers. My
legs are grey, my ears are nulled, my eyes are old, and bent.
Cntrian Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house!
--------[The rest of of the legion march quickly into the house.]
You know the penalty layed down by Roman law for harbouring a known
criminal?
Mathias No.
Cntrian Crucfiction.
Mathias Oh.
Cntrian Nasty, eh?
Mathias Hm. Could be worse.
Cntrian What do you mean 'could be worse'?
Mathias Well, you could be stabbed.
Cntrian Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow,
'orrible death.
Mathias Well, at lest it gets you out in the open air.
Cntrian You're weird!
--------[The guards march back out.]
Sergent No sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.
Cntrian But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us... weirdo.
[He walks away.]
Mathias Big-nose.
Cntrian Watch it!
Mathias Phew. That was lucky.
--------[The PFJ emerge from their hiding places.]
Brian I'm sorry, Reg.
Reg Oh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the fifth
legion straight to our offial headquarters. Well, that's all right
then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. YOU
KLUTZ!!! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed...
--------[There is another knocking at the door. Everyone scarpers.]
Mathias My legs are old and bend, my ears are grizzled, yes?
Cntrian There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
--------[The guards march back in. Some of Mathias' rabling is obscured by
the marching.]
Mathias I'm just a poor old man........my eyes are poor, my nose is
knackered.
Cntrian Have you ever seen anyone cucified?
Mathias Crucifixion's a doddle.
Cntrian Don't keep saying that.
--------[The guards march out again, the sergent holding the wooden spoon
used by Francis earlier.]
Sergent Found this spoon, sir.
Cntrian Well done, sergent. We'll be back... oddball.
--------[Everyone inside relaxes again. Immediately, there is another knock.]
Open up!
Mathias You haven't given us time to hide.
--------[The balcony finally gives up its desperate struggle for survival,
and Brian falls on thop of the accurate prophet.]
Brian Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Acurate ... the nephew or the donkey... Wha? Wooooooah!
--------[The prophet gets knocked off his podium into a large jug, and Brian
is left standing there.]
Croud
--------[The crowd of five and also a Roman soldier look up expectantly at
Brian. He looks around at the other prophets for inspiration.]
N.Irish ... a nine bladed sword which he shall strike...
Black ... the jumbo jets which shall flyy up to the...
--------[He decides there's nothing to do but start preaching, or he'll be
seen as an imposter.He start speaking to his audience.]
--------[Pasr-By : A man in grey who happens to be in the area.
Begger : An old Begger sitting on the podium beside Brian.
Hekelr1 : A Woman holding a baby.
Hekelr2 : A man in a turban.
Hekelr3 : A man in a turabn with a beard and moustaches.]
Brian Don't uh, pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged
yourself.
Pasr-By What?
Brian I said don't pass judgement on other people, or else You might get
judged too.
Pasr-By Who, Me?
Brian Yes.
Pasr-By Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.
Brian Well, not just you. All of you.
Begger That's a nice gourd.
Brian What?
Begger How much do you want for the gourd?
Brian I don't. You can have it.
Begger Have it?
Brian Yes. Consider the lillies...
Begger Don't you want to haggle?
Brian No... in the fields.
Begger What's wrong with it then?
Brian Nothing. Take it.
Hekler1 Consider the lillies?
Brian Uh, well, the birds then.
Hekler2 What birds?
Brian Any birds.
Hekler2 Why?
Brian Well, have they got jobs?
Hekler3 Who?
Brian The birds.
Hekler2 Have the birds got jobs?!?
--------[A man passing by hears them giving out and joins in.]
Hekler5 What's the matter with him?
Hekler3 He says the birds are scrounging.
Brian Oh, uh, look. The point is that they do all right, don't they?
Hekler5 Well good luck to 'em.
Hekler2 Yeah. They're very pretty.
Brian O.K. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what are
you worrying about? There you are, See?
Hekler2 I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.
Brian I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lillies.
Hekler3 He's having a go at the flowers now!
Hekler2 Oh, give the flowers a chance.
Begger I'll give you one for it.
Brian It's yours.
Begger Two.
Brian Look, there was this man, and he had two servants...
Hekler3 What were they called?
Brian What?
Hekler3 What were their names?
Brian I don't know. And he gave them some talents.
Hekler2 You don't know?!?
Brian Well it doesn't matter.
Hekler3 He doesn't know what they were called.
Brian Oh, they were called Noims, and Adrian, now...
Hekler3 Oh! You said you didn't know!
Brian It really doesn't matter, the point is there were these two servants.
Hekler3 He's making it up as he goes along!
Brian No I'm not! And he gave them some talen... wait a minute, were there
three?
Hekler2 Oh, he's terrible!
Hekler3 Rsprrrrr!
Brian There were three, there were two or three!
Hekler1 Ah, get off!
--------[Just as is gets worst, along comes the Roman legion wh have by now
finished searching Mathias' house.]
Brian OH!!! Eh, Uzwuh, uh, b-b... Now. Now Hear This! Blessed are they...
Begger Three.
Brian ... who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their
girth.
HeklerX Rubbish!
Brian And to them only shall be given... to them only... shall. Be. Given.
--------[The Romans pass.]
-------- [From this moment on, it is decreed that all hecklers shall become
followers (folowrs) of Brian. The hecklers keeping their numbers.]
Folowr1 What?
Brian Hmm?
Folowr1 Shall be given what?
Brian Oh, Nothing.
Folowr1 What were you going to say?
Brian Nothing.
Folowrs Yes you were.
Folowr1 Yes, you were going to say something.
Brian No I wasn't. I'd finished.
Folowr1 Oh no you weren't.
Folowr3 Oh, tell us before you go.
Brian I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.
Folowr1 No you hadn't.
BlindMn What won't he tell?
Folowr2 He won't say.
BlindMn Is it a secret?
Brian No.
BlindMn Is it?
Folowr2 Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
Folowr3 Oh, tell us the secret.
Brian Leave me alone.
Folowr2 What is the secret?
--------[A woman comes pushing through the crowd. His newest convert.]
Folowr4 Is it the secret of eternal life?
Folowr2 He won't say!
Folowr3 Well of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't
say.
Brian Leave me alone.
Folowr4 Just tell me, please!
Folowr3 No, tell us, master. We were here first.
Folowr4 Tell us. Tell us, master.
Begger Five.
Brian Oh, go away.
Begger I can't go above five.
Folowr4 Is that His gourd?
Begger Yes, but it's under offer.
Folowr4 This is His gourd!
Begger Ten!
Folowr4 It is His gourd. We will carry it for you, master. Master?
Folowr2 He's gone! He's been taken up!
Folowr4
Folowrs He's been taken up!!!
Begger Eighteen!
Folowr3 No. There he is. Over there.
Folowr Oh, yeah.
--------[As Brian runs out of the city, one of his shoes (or is it a sandal?)
falls off. His followers stop, and Follower 5 picks it up.]
Folowr3 He has given us a sign!
Folowr5 He has given us... a shoe!
Folowr3 The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example.
Spike What?
Folowr3 Let us, like him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot
for this is His sign, and all who follow Him shall do likewise.
Folowr2 Yes.
Folowr5 No no no.
Folowr2 No.
Folowr5 The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in a bundle.
Folowr4 Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd.
Spike What?
Folowr5 No. Let us gather shoes together. Let me...
Folowr4 Get off!
Folowr2 No, no. It is a sign that like him, we must think not of things of
the body, but of the face, and head.
Folowr5 Give me your shoe.
Folowr2 Get off!
Folowr4 Follow the gourd. The holy gourd of Jerusalem.
Folowr The gourd!
Folowr6 Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us.
Folowr3 It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
Folowr6 It is a sandal!
Folowr3 No, it is a shoe!
Folowr4 Cast it away!
Folowr5 Put it on!
Folowr2 Clear off!
Folowr5 Take the shoes and follow him!
Folowr4 All ye...... follow the gourdie [?!?]
--------[One man is left behind. He deserves his real name, I think. He
doesn't realise that everyone is leaving him, so he starts talking.]
Spike No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Let us. Let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like
the seed to the grain.
--------[He then realises he's alone, so he walks off, embarrased.]
--------[Now comes yet another of the wonderful chase scenes through the
countryside.]
Folowrs MASTER!!! MASTER!!!
Goats
--------[Brian comes upon a hole {Hmmmm. Stop thinking that, you naughty
person! You know wot I mean.} with a hermit in it. {I said stop
that!}]
Brian Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the
river?
Hermit Mmmmm. Mmmmm.
Brian Please please help me. I've got to get...
--------[He sees everyone following him, so he jumps into the hole to hide.]
Hermit Mmmm. [Brian lands on his foot.] OH my foot!!! Oh!
Brian Ssssh.
Hermit Oh, Damn, damn, damn!
Brian I'm sorry! Ssssh.
Hermit Oh, Damn, damn, and blast it!
Brian I'm sorry! Ssssh.
Hermit Don't you 'Ssssh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you Sssh
me!
Brian What?
Hermit I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable
articulate sound has passed my lips.
Brian Oh please, could you be quiet just another five minutes?
Hermit Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. The times in
the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my
name out!
Brian Sssssh.
--------[He starts getng happy, jumping up and down, while Brian tries to
stop him.]
Hermit Oh, I'm alive! I'm father Gila. I'm father Gila. I'm father Gaaaagh!
Oh I'm alive, I'm alive. Hello birds. Hello trees. I'm aligggh! Get
off. I'm alive! I'm father Gila, I'm father and I'm. < >!!!
[He sees everyone.]
--------[They see him, and run over to the hole.]
Folowrs Master! Master!
Folowr5 The master!
Folowr He is here!
folowr The shoe...
Folowrs
Folowr3 Speak!
Folowrs Sssssh.
Folowr3 Speak to us master, speak to us.
Brian Go away!
Folowrs A blessing! A blessing!
Folowr3 How shall we go away, master?
Brian Oh, just go away. Leave me alone!
Folowr5 Give us a sign!
Folowr3 He has given us a sign. He has brought us to this place!
Brian I didn't bring you here, you just followed me.
Folowr5 Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.
Folowr3 Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. They are
weary, and have not eaten.
Brian It's not my fault they haven't eaten.
Folowr3 There is no food in this high mountain.
Brian Well what about the juniper bushes over there.
Folowrs A miracle! A miracle!
--------[A few of them go over to the bushes to eat.]
Folowr5 He has made the bush fruitful by His word.
Folowr2 They have brought forth juniper berries!
Brian Of course they've brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper
bushes! What do you expect?
Folowr1 Show us another miracle!
Folowr3 Do not tempt him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper
bushes enough?
Hermit I say. Those are my juniper bushes.
Folowr3 They are a gift from God!
Hermit They're all I've bloody got to eat.
[He jumps up naked out of his hole, and starts chasing people away.]
Ugn. I say. Get off those bushes. Go on. Clear off, the lot of you.
Folowr6 Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.
BlindMn I am healed! The master has healed me!
Brian I didn't touch him!
BlindMn I was blind, and now I can see! Oh!
--------[The blind man throws away his cane, and steps forward... right into
the hole. Nobody notices.]
Folowrs A miracle! A miracle!
Hermit [After coming back to Brian.]
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years 'till
he came along.
Folowrs A miracle! He is the Messiah!
Hermit Well he hurt my foot!
Folowrs Hurt my foot lord, hurt mine.
Folowr3 Hail, messiah.
--------[They all get down on their knees.]
Brian I'm not the messiah.
Folowr3 I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few.
Folowrs Hail messiah!
Brian I'm not the messiah, would you please listen. I'm not the messiah, do
you understand? Honestly!
Folowr4 Only the true messiah denies his divinity.
Brian What? Well what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I AM the
messiah.
Folowrs He IS! He IS the messiah!
--------[They prostrate themselves in front of him.]
Brian Now fuck off!
Folowr3 How shall we fuck off oh lord?
Brian Oh just go away. Leave me alone.
Hermit You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody
foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try to clean up on my
juniper bushes.
Brian Oh, lay off.
Folowr3 This is the messiah. The chosen one.
Hermit No he's not.
Brian Aaaagh!
Folowr3 An un-believer!
Folowrs An un-believer!
Folowr3 Persecute! Kill the heretic!
--------[They pick him up {Hey babe... what's your sign?} and carry him off.]
Folowrs Kill! Kill him! [etc...]
Brian Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down.
Please.
--------[One person is left behind.]
Judith Brian?
Brian Judith??
--------[The next day dawns over Jerusalem.]
Cock?!? Cock-a-doodle doo.
--------[Brian wakes up to find Judith lying beside him. He smiles to himself
and walks still naked over to the window, which he throws open to
take a good deep breath of fresh air.]
Crowd LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS AWOKEN!
--------[The street outside his window is filled with his followers. He slams
the shutters closed immediately. Then, as if it weren't bad enough,
his mum starts knocking at the door.]
Brian Uuuh!
MC Brian!
--------[He struggles to get dressed, just as MC kicks the door down.]
Brian Uuuh. Oooh. Uh. Mother. Oooh. . Ah.
MC Brian!
Brian Hang on mother. Sssh.
--------[MC does her super-hero impression.]
Hello mother.
MC Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out
there?
Brian Oh, uh. I... well, I uh...
MC Come on. What have you been up to, my lad?
Brian Well, I think they must have popped by for something.
MC Popped by? Swarmed by more like. There's a multitude out there.
Brian Um. They, they started following me yesterday.
MC Well they can stop following you right now!
[She walks over to the window, and addresses the crowd outside.]
Now stop following my son. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Crowd THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH! SHOW US THE MESSIAH!
MC The who?
Crowd THE MESSIAH.
MC There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no messiah.
Now go away.
Crowd BRIAN! BRIAN!
MC Right, my lad. What have you been up to?
Brian Nothing mum, uh...
--------[She starts backing him ino a corner.]
MC Come on. Out with it.
Brian They think I'm the messiah, mum.
--------[]
MC Now what have you been telling them?
Brian Nothing, I only...
MC You're only making it worse for yourself.
Brian Look, I can explain...
--------[She hits him again.]
Judith No! Let ME explain, Mrs. Cohen!
--------[MC turns around to see a naked Judith standing behind her,
apparently about to explain everything to her. {I'm sure she feel a
whole lot more comfortable about it all now.!}]
Your son is a born leader. those people out there are following him
because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give
them hope. Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future.
MC < >!!!!!!!!
Who's THAT?
Brian Oooh! It's Judith, mum. Judith, mother. Mmm. Waaaaaaaaah!
--------[As Brian gets hit again, Judih runs over to protect him. {I love
that bit of the film *:) }]
MC Oooooooh!
[She goes over to the window.]
Crowd THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. THE MESSIAH, THE
MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH.
MC Now you listen here. He's not he messiah, he's a very naughty boy!
now go away.
Crowd WHO ARE YOU?
MC I'm his mother, that's who.
Crowd BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! HAIL TO THEE MOTHER OF BRIAN.
BLESSED ART THOU, HOSANNAH! ALL PRAISE TO THEE, NOW AND ALWAYS!!!
MC Aaaaahw. Now don't think you can get around me like that. He's not
coming out, and that's my final word. Now shove off!
Crowd NO!
MC Did you hear what I said?
Crowd YES!
MC Oh. I see. It's like that, is it?
Crowd YES!
MC Aaaaw, well, all right then. You can see him for one minute, but not
one second more. Do you understand?
Crowd Yes.
MC Promise?
Crowd Well, All Right.
MC All right. Here he is then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.
Brian But mum. Judith.
MC Now leave that welsh tart alone.
--------[She drags him out to address the crowd.]
Brian But I don't really want to, mum.
Crowd BRIAN. BRIAN
Brian Good Morning.
Crowd A BLESSING! A BLESSING! A BLESSING!
Brian No, No. please, please, please listen. I've got one or two things to
say.
Crowd TELL US! TELL US BOTH OF THEM.
Brian Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't Need to follow me. You don't
Need to follow anybody. You've got to think for yourselves. You're
all individuals.
Crowd YES! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!
Brian You're all different.
Crowd YES. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.
Folowr5 I'm not.
Crowd Ssssh. Sssh.
Brian You've all got to work it our for yourselves.
Crowd YES. WE'VE GOT TO WORK IT OUT FOR OURSELVES.
Brian Exactly.
Crowd TELL US MORE!
Brian No. That's the point. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.
--------[MC comes out 1 minute, 6 seconds later.]
Otherwise... ow! no!
MC Come on Brian. That's enough, that's enough.
Crowd OOOOOH! THAT WASN'T A MINUTE.
MC Oh yes it was.
Crowd OH NO IT WASN'T!
MC Now stop that, and go away.
Folowr Excuse me.
MC Yes?
Folowr Are you a virgin?
MC I Beg your pardon?!?
Folowr Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
MC If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get?
Now piss off!
Folowr She is.
Crowd Yeah. Must be... she is. Definitely...
--------[Brian leaves his room, to find a large number of apparently sick
people (Sickos, SikMen, SikWomn ) in the next room. A Manager is
also waiting for him.]
Sickos !
Manager Morning, Saviour.
--------[As he manager leads him through the room, various people approach
him.]
SikWomn Lay your hands on here, quick.
SikMan1 Now don't jostle the chosen one, please.
SikBaby Waaah!
Manager Don't push that baby in the saviour's face, you'll have 'till later.
Jew I say. I say. Could He just see my wife... she has a headache.
Manager You'll have to wait I'm afraid.
Jew It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.
Manager Look, the lepers are queueing.
SikMan2 Her brother-in-law's the ex-mayor of God.
Manager Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mount
on sunday.
MountMn Hello.
SikMan3 Don't push!
--------[Brian leaves and sits down on the steps outside his house, away from
all the hassle.]
Manager And keep the noise down, please? Those possessed by devils try and
keep them under control a bit, can't you? Ah... Incurables? You'll
just have to wait for a few minutes. Ah. Women taken in sin, line up
against that wall, will you?
--------[Judith come out and enthusiasticly joins him.]
Judith Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!
Brian [Proudly] You weren't s bad yourself.
Judith No. What you said just now. It was quite extraordinary.
Brian What? Oh, that. Was it?
Judith We don't need any leaders, You're so right. Reg has been dominating
us for too long.
Brian Well, yes.
Judith It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.
Brian You're... very attractive.
Judith It's Our revolution. We can all do it together.
Brian I think, I think...
Judith We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands.
Brian What? No, that's not what I meant at all...
--------[A hand slaps onto his shoulder.]
Cntrian You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.
--------[As Brian gets led off, Judith, not knowing what to do, viciously
attacks the centurian.]
Stop that.
--------[Brian is brought back to Pilates palace.]
--------{In this scene, the Centurian's true self is revealed. I LOVE HIM!!!}
Pilate Well Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.
Brian [Almost bored, and resigned.] A what? [] Aaaaah.
Pilate This time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard. Do we have any
cwucifixions today?
Guard 'Hundred and thirty nine, sir. Special celebration, passover sir.
Pilate Wight. Now we have a hundred and fourty. Nice wound number, eh
Bigus?
--------[We now see Bigus Dickus lying on a couch. You can't see if he Does.]
Bigus Hmm.
--------[The Centurian walks in from the balcony, where we can hear a rather
restless crowd.]
Cntrian Hail Caeser.
Pilate Hail.
Cntrian The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to
disperse them please.
Pilate Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.
Cntrian Ah, no, I know sir, but..
Pilate My addwess is one of the high points of the passover. My fwiend,
Bigus Dickus has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it.
Cntrian Hail Caeser.
Bigus Hail Theather.
Cntrian You're not...
Ah, you're not eh, tinking of giving it a miss this year then, sir?
Pilate Give it a miss?
Cntrian Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.
Pilate Weally, centurian. I'm surprised to hear a man like you wattled by a
wabble of wowdy webels.
Cntrian {He's really slagging the shit out of poor Pilate.}
Ahh bit thundery, sir.
Pilate Take him away.
Brian I'm a Roman. Ah, I can prove it, honestly.
Pilate And cwucify him well. Bigus.
Cntrian Ah... I, I really wouldn't, sir.
Pilate Out of the way, centurian.
Bigus Let me come with you, Ponthiuth. I may be of thum athithtanth if
there ith a thudden crithith.
--------[A look of dispair comes over the centurian's face. He rushes to
their aid.]
--------[Meanwhile, back at the HQ.]
Reg Right, now, eh. item four: attainment of world supremacy within the
next five years. Eh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.
Francis Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five
years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the
next twelve months.
Reg Twelve months?
Francis Yeah. Twelve months. And let's face it... as empires go, this is the
big one, so we've got to get up of our arses, and stop just talking
about it.
PFJ Hear Hear!!!
Loretta I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.
PFJ Hear Hear!!!
Reg You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing
resolution, making clever speaches, it's not going to shift one Roman
soldier.
Francis So let's just stop gabbing on about it, it's completely pointless,
and it's getting us nowhere.
PFJ Right.
Loretta I agree. This is a complete waste of time.
--------[Judith runs in, paniced.]
Judith They've arrested Brian!!
PFJ What?
Judith They've dragged him off. They're going to crucify him.
Reg Right. This calls for immediate discussion.
Judith What?!?
Rebel1 Immediate.
Rebel2 Right.
Loretta New motion?
Reg Completely new motion. Eh, That, ah. That there be, ah, immediate
action,
Francis ... ah, once the vote has been taken.
Reg Well, obviously once the vote has been taken, you can't act on a
resolution 'till you've voted on it.
Judith Reg, for God's sake, let's go now, please!
Reg Yeah, yeah. Right, right. In the, in the ligh of fresh information
from ah, sibling Judith.
Loretta [Who's taking notes.] Ah, not so fast, Reg.
Judith Reg, For God's sake. It's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is
to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans nailing him
up. It's happening, Reg. Something's actually happening, Reg. Can't
you understand? Aaawoooooo!!!!!
[She rushes out in a rage.]
Francis Ooh. Ooh dear.
Reg Hello... and a litle ego-trip for the feminists.
Loretta What?
Reg Ah, oh, sorry, loretta. Aah. Aah, read that back, would you?
--------[In the prisons, a Roman and two jailers stand, with a large queue up
to them.]
Roman Next. Crucifixion?
Prisnr1 Yes.
Roman Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next.
Crucifixion?
Prisnr2 Yes.
Roman Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next.
Crucifixion?
Trouble Eh? No, freedom.
Roman What?
Trouble Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go
free and live on an island somewhere.
Roman Oh? Oh, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then.
Trouble Naah. I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really.
Roman Oho, I see. Very good very good. Well, out of the door...
Trouble Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door, one cross each, line on the
left.
Roman Line on the left, yes. Thank you.
Crucifixion?
Prisnr3 Yes.
Roman Good.
--------[A fanfare welcomes Pilate.]
Crowd YAY! YAY!
Pilate People of Jewusalem. Wome is your fwiend.
Crwod wahaha.
Pilate To pwove ow fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a
wongdower fwom ow pwisons.
Crowd Hahahaha.
Sentry
--------[Bigus and the Centurian stare at him.]
Pilate Whom would you have me welease?
Man Welease Woger!
Crowd Yeah! WELEASE WOGER! WELEASE WOGER! Hahahahaha.
Pilate Vewwy well. I shall welease woger!
Crowd Yay. Yay.
Cntrian Sir, eh. We don't have a Woger, sir.
Pilate What?
Cntrian Eh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.
Pilate Ah. We have no Woger.
Crowd Aaaaaah.
Man Well what about Wodewic then.
Crowd Yeah. WELEASE WODEWIC! WELEASE WODEWIC!
Pilate Centurain. Why do they titter so?
Cntrian Just some, uh, jewish joke, sir.
Pilate Are they... swagging me?
Cntrian Oh, no, sir!
Sentry
Pilate Vewwy well. I shall welease Wodewic!
Crowd Waaahahahaha.
Cntrian Sir, we don't have a Roderic either.
Pilate No Woger, no Wodewic.
Cntrian Sorry, sir.
Pilate Who is the Wog...
Who is the Wodewic to whom you wefer?
Man1 He's a wobber.
Crowd Ahhhhahahah.
Man2 ... and a wapist.
Crowd Ahahahhahah!
Woman ... and a pickpocket!
Crowd Aaah no. ssssssh.
Pilate He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Cntrian We haven't got him, sir.
Pilate Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all?
Cntrian Oh yes, sir. We've got a Samson, sir.
Pilate Samson?
Cntrian Samson the Saggisea strangler, sir. Ah, Silas the Assyrian Assassin.
Ah, several sadicious scribes from Ceaserea, ah... sixty seven seers
from...
Bigus Let me thpeak to them, Ponthiuth.
Cntrian Oh, no.
Pilate Ah. Good idea, Bigus.
Bigus Thitizenth. We have Thamthon the Thaggithea thtrangler, Thilas the
Athyrian Athathin, theveral thadiciouth thcribeth from Theatherea...
--------[Back in the prisons.]
--------{OK. So I've been totally accurate so far... NOT for Jailer2!!!}
Roman Next. Ah. Crucifixion?
Prisnr4 Yes.
Roman Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?
Brian Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.
Roman Just a moment, would you? Jailer. How many have come through?
Jailer1 What?
Roman Uh... how many have come through?
Jailer1 What?
Jailer2 Uh, Y-y-y-you'll have to s-s-spea s-s-s-sp s-s-s-sp s-s-speak up a-a
bit, sir. He's-he's-he's-he's de. He's-he's-he's-dea. He's-he's-he's
deaf as a, deaf as a p-p-post, sir.
Roman Eh... How Many Have Come Through??!!
Jailer1 Hhhih hih hih nyih nyih nyih.
Roman Oh dear.
Jailer2 I make it ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety
six, sir.
Roman It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?
Jailer2 N-n-n-n-NO, sir. Not for these b-b-BASTARDS, sir. C-crrr-crrrr-crrrr
crrrrucifixion's too good for them, sir.
Roman I don't think you could say it's too good for them. It's, it's very
nasty.
Jailer2 Well, it's not as n-n-n-na na na. Not as nasty as something I just
thought up, sir.
Roman No. Uh, now, um. Crucifixion.
Brian Is there someone I can speak to?
Roman Well...
Jailer1 I know where to get it, if you want it.
Roman What?
Jailer2 Don't worry about hi-hi-him, sir. He-he's de. He's de. He's deaf and
Mmmmmmmmmad, sir.
Roman Well how did he get the job?
Jailer2 Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.
Jailer1 Hihih.
Trouble Get a move on, Bignose. There's people waiting to be crucified out
here. Hehehehehehehe.
Brian Could I see a lawyer or someone?
Roman Um, do, do you have a lawyer?
Brian No, but I'm a Roman.
Trouble How about a re-trial? We've got plenty of time.
--------[Another centurian (Cent2) stands outside guarding the prisoners.]
Cent2 Shut up, you.
Trouble Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humour. Oooh.
Roman I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left.
One cross each. Now...
Crowd AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Bigus Wath it thomething I thaid?
Pilate Silence! This man commands the cwack legions!
Crowd ___WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___
Pilate He wanks as high as any in Wome!!!
Crowd ___AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___
--------[Outside the prisons, the Roman addresses the crucifees-to-be.]
Roman Crucifixion Party. Morning. Now. We will be on show as we go through
the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good straight
line. Three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good
steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your
backs hard up against the crossbeam, you'll be there in no time.
Prisnr1 Ooooooh.
Roman Heh. All right, centurian.
Cent2 Crucifixion Party!
--------[Some of them stumble forward.]
Wait for it... Crucifixion party, by the left. Forward!
--------[The start moving, slowly. We can see the Prisonr who Brian was
locked up with earlier hanging upside-down... but at least he has a
view out a grate.]
Prisonr You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!
--------[A man seeling candle-crosses pitys the poor bastards. I call him a
Christian (Cristin) because he is sooooo nice, and suffers *:) ]
Cristin Let me shoulder your burden, brother.
[He takes the cross.]
PrisnrX Oh, thank you.
Cristin H-hey!
Cent2 [To the christian, who's turning around to watch PrisntX run off.]
OI! What do you think you're doing?
Cristin Ah, i-it's not my cross.
Cent2 Shut up, and get on with it!
Trouble Aaahahahahahahaha. He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach
you a lesson. Ooohoohoo.
Pilate All right. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear
no Wubens. No Weginalds. No Wudolf the wed-nosed weindeers.
Bigus No Thpenther Trathies.
Pilate ... or we shall welease no-one.
Judith Release Brian!!
Man1 Oh yeah. That's a good one. WELEASE BWIAN!
Crowd WELEASE BWIAN! WELEASE BWIAN! AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!!
Pilate Vewwy well. That's it.
Cntrian Sir. We uh. We have got a Brian, sir.
Pilate What?
Cntrian You just sent him for crucifixion, sir.
Pilate Uh. Ah, wait, wait. We do have a Bwian.
Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.
Cntrian Yes sir. Yes sir.
Pilate Vewwy well. I shall welease Bwian!!!
Cent2 Get a move on there.
Trouble Or what?
Cent2 Or you'll be in trouble!
Trouble Oh dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the
afternoons?
Cent2 Shut up!
Trouble That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have naffing to do!
[Cent2 whips him.]
Oh, thank you.
--------[The Centurain has run down to the prison.]
Cntrian Have they gone?
Jailer1 We. We've got lumps of it round the back.
Cntrian What?
Jailer2 Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's M. He's m...... he's mad,
sir.
Cntrian Have they gone?!?!
Jailer2 Oh, Ye.. nnnn.. N. N. N.
Jailer1 Hehehe.
Jailer2 N. ny. ny...
Cntrian Oh, come on!
Jailer2 NnnYes, sir.
--------[The Centurian leaves.]
Anyway. Get on with the story.
Jailer1 Well, it's his favourite item, you know, he's...
--------[At the PF HQ.]
Reg Right. That's the motion to get on with it passed with uh, one
abstention. I now propose we go without further ado. May I have a
second, therefore? Yeah.
--------[They go.]
--------[Brian can see the crosses that are already up.]
--------[The centurian runs through the streets.]
Trader Bloody Romans!
Cntrian Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.
--------[The prisoners are now being strung up.]
Cent2 Up you go, Bignose!
Bignose I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Cent2 Oh yeah?
Bignose Oh yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Cent2 No?
Bignose I warn you, I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Cent2 Shut up, you jewish turd.
Bignose Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not jewish... I'm a Samaritan.
Jew A samaritan? This is supposed to be a jewish section.
Cent2 It doesn't matter... you're all going to die in a day or two.
Jew It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us,
doesn't it darling?
JewWife Oh, rather.
Jew Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be
crucified in a purely jewish area.
Sarsean Sarrisea separate to Saggisea.
WelshMn And swedish separate to welsh!
Victims Yeah... ...
Cent2 All right, all right, all right. We'll soon settle this. Hands up all
those who don't want to be crucified here.
--------[Since they can't move their arms. *:) .]
--------{Nice one centurian, like it, like it.}
Right. NEXT!
Cristin Ah, look, it's not my cross.
Cent2 What?
Cristin Um. I's not my cross. I was ah, holding it for someone.
Cent2 Just lie down. I haven't got all day.
Cristin No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss...
Cent2 Look. We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and fourty of you lot
to get up.
Jew Is HE jewish?
Cent2 Will you be quiet!
Jew We don't want any more Samaritans around here.
Cent2 BELT UP!
Cristin Look, uh. Will you let me down if he comes back?
Cent2 Yeah, yeah. We'll let you down. Next.
Brian You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.
Cent2 I like orders.
--------[As Brian gets put up, we see the PFJ (officials) walking through the
streets.]
Trouble See. Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued then, are you?
Brian It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
Trouble Ooh, no, no. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots
of people get rescued.
Brian Aaah?
Trouble Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail
for more than twenty minutes. Huh. Randy little bugger... up and down
like the Assyrian empire. Huhuhuhu.
--------[The PFJ arrive.]
Hello. Your family arrived then?
Brian Reg.
Reg Hello, sibling Brian.
Brian Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg Aaah, yes well I think I should point out first, Brian that in all
fairness we are not in fact the rescue commitee, however I have been
asked to read the following prepared satement on behalf of the
movement. We, the People's Front of Judea (brackets, officials, end
brackets) do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly
greetings to you, Brian; on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.
Brian WHAT?!?!?!?!
Reg Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to
liberate the parentland from the hands of the Roman imperialist
aggressors excluding those concerned with drainage, medecine, roads,
housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to
the welfare of jews of both sexes, and hermaphrodites. Signed on
behalf of the PFJ etc.
And I would just like to add on a personal note my own admiration for
what you are doing for us Brian. And what must be, after all, for
you, a very difficult time.
Brian Reg! What are you going to do?
Reg Goodbye Brian, and thanks.
--------[They start walking away.]
Francis Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.
Loretta Terrific work, Brian.
--------[Once they've got a short way off, they stop, and take a vote.]
Rebel Yeah, all right.
REG Yeah. And...
PFJ For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fellow,
And so say all of us.
Loretta ... and so say all of...
--------[Reg nudges him to shut up, and they all start clapping.]
Brian You bastards! You bastards!
Cntrian Where is Brian of Nazareth?
--------[In his shouting, Brian can't hear him.]
Brian You sanctimonious bastards.
Cntrian I have on order for his release.
Brian You stupid bastards!
Trouble Uh. I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian WHAT?!?
Trouble Yeah. I-I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Cntrian Take him down.
Brian I'M Brian of Nazareth.
Victim1 I'm Brian.
Bignose I'm Brian.
Victim2 I'm Brian.
Brian I'm Brian.
Various I'm Brian.
Jew I'm Brian and so's my wife.
Victims ...I'm Brian...
Cntrian All right. Take him away, and release him.
--------[He gets taken down, and carried off.]
Trouble Naah. I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No. I'm not Brian. No,
leave... let go! I'm only pulling your leg. It's A Joke! I'm not him,
I'm just having you on. Put me back!!! No, let go!...
--------[A groups of oriental-looking warriors come over a hill.]
Worker1 Uuuuh. The Judean People's Front!!!
Worker2 The Judean People's Front!!!
JPFHead Forward all!!!
Worker3 No! The Judean People's Front!!! Help!
--------[The JPF stop in front of Brian's cross.]
JPFHead We are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide Squad!
Attack!!!
--------[They all cerimonially whip out their weapons, open a hatch in their
armour, and proceed to kill themselves.]
JPFHead Ggggg. That showed 'em, huh?
Brian You silly sods.
--------[Enter Judith.]
Judith Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!
Brian Judith!
Judith Terrific, great! Reg has explained it all to me. I think it's great
what you're doing. Thank you, Brian. I'll. I'll never forget you.
--------[By this stage, Brian has given up. Then, as Judith runs off, our
screens are filled with a horrible face... Mrs. Cohen!!!]
MC So there you are. I might have known it would end up like this. To
think of all the love, and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if
that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her
life, all I can say is go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care. I might
have known...
Brian {I really feel sorry for him. Don't you?} Mum! Mum!
MC ...I don't know what the world's coming to...
Singer Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's grissle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle.
And this'll help things turn out for the best,
And...
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the light side of life
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh, and smile, and dance, and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life
(Come on!)
Always look on the right side of life
For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain wih a bow.
Forget about your sin,
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow,
So...
Always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your termnal breath.
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go,
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life
(Come on, Brian... cheer up.)
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
(Worse things ahppen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life
(I mean, what have you got to lose? You know. You come from
nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost?
Nothing!)
Always look on the bright side of life
(Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say.
Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on, give us a grin.)
Always look on the bright side of life
(There you are. See. It's the end of the film.
Incidently this record's available in the foyer.)
Always look on the bright side of life
(Some of us have got to live as well you know.
Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?)
Always look on the bright side of life
(They'll never make their money back, you know.)
(I told him, I said to him, Bernie, I said, they'll never
make their money back.)
Always look on the bright side of life!
--
+-- Marc Wirth -- marcw@rbg.informatik.th-darmstadt.de -----------------+
| |
| Year (n.) : A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. |
| (Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary) |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+