Programming languages and their relationship styles:
Smalltalk won’t meet you outside Smalltalk’s apartment…. assembler just lies there… Telling people you’re happy with FORTRAN is like telling people you’ll be happy taking care of your cats for the rest of your life and don’t really need another person.
The comments have some more good ones, mostly by
C likes to give cops the finger and grin and speed away. Mention that you’d like something, and C will pretend to ignore you; the next day, C will bring you one, no questions asked, and toss it to you with a you-know-you-want-me smirk that makes your heart race. Where did C get it? “It fell off a truck,” C says, putting away the boltcutters. You start to feel like C doesn’t know the meaning of “private” or “protected”: what C wants, C takes.
And:
Perl6: Like Perl, but after major body-alteration surgery, just to make you happy. Perl6’s body certainly looks younger and firmer, if you can overlook the frankensteinian scar tissue. Moreover, there are certain… enhancements. All of perl6’s joints bend both ways; all of perl6’s body parts are fully reconfigurable any way you like them. If your friends could see what you do with Perl6, they’d learn more about your taste than you necessarily want to make public.